WEEK 24: Eloi, Eloi, Lama Sabachthani?

GAINESVILLE, FL
COMPANION/TRAINER:  ELDER TUFT

I am nearing the end of Jesus the Christ, and these words caught my attention. The translation is, "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" We use something called, "The Questionnaire" when we tract. We actually had a tracting competition this week, so we used it a LOT. We ask if people will take a moment to answer three questions about God. Then we ask inspired questions. Often, they are insipired-ish. One of my favorites is "If you could ask God one question, what would it be?"

My God has not forsaken me. And yet He has. He must. I am away, here on earth, far from Him. My sins keep me separated, my eventual death keeps me away. These are overcome in great and small ways by my savior Jesus Christ. However, my question, if I had one, remains the same as that of the Christ on the cross. Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? It encompasses so much. What is my purpose? What am I doing that pushes Thee away? How can I cease these things? Where art Thou? How may I see Thee more clearly? What am I to learn in this moment? How am I to grow to be closer to Thy light? And most important of all, it expresses to Him what is most important to me. MY God. MY God. He is MINE. Whether I am forsaken or not, wherever I am, whatever I have done, whether they be wonderful works or shameful sins, He is my God, and that means more to me than I could have imagined it would.

Often I end with a testimony but I simply cannot wait. He is my God. I have a testimony of that grand Father, Eloi, whom I love so desperately. That He is real is my conviction and witness. That He loves us, works for us, and awaits us is my light and my life. That His Only Begotten is Jesus of Nazareth, the Messiah and Christ, Addoni, Immanuel, Wonderful, Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father of my soul through the Atonement, the Prince of Peace, is my testimony. That testimony is unalterable and sure. That testimony would stand even though the Heavens and the Earth should pass away. Even then would I, standing upon the crumbling peak of a dying cosmos, be incapable of denying that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God. I know of these things for myself, for the Holy Spirit of God has made it manifest to me. It has borne unto and into my soul these things, and so mere sight and sense need not suffice.

Often we feel alone. Often we go into the world and stand stalwart, rooted, but alone. We begin to feel in the minority, we begin to feel the pressure of the billions who do not believe or behave as we do. But there is no possessor of a testimony of Jesus Christ who will EVER stand alone. Not while I live. Not while my God lends me breath.

It was a fun week. My companion and I are really getting to know each other. He claims I have my own distinct scent. Hehehe we were talking once and he said, "Elder, you're going to find someone one day, and she is going to be..." there was a pause. A LONG pause, while he looked thoughtfully at me. Then he finished, "... unique." I'd say that's pretty fair.

The days are fun. We get to knock a lot of doors and meet some amazing people! One day we had NINE appointments scheduled with people we found tracting, plus two back ups and some Less-Active members to visit! They all fell through. All. So we got to knock more doors and we found even MORE PEOPLE! It is work. GOOD work. Work that leaves you feeling manly afterwards. Boo yah. And it can be a lot of fun. It's important to have fun while you do things. Things are all you're ever going to do, so you'd better learn to enjoy them. One day in particular, two tiny black girls saw us across the street, ran up to us, and insisted they come tracting with us. We knocked several doors with them chasing after us (we can't be alone with or really talk to children, so the entire situation was ridiculous. They basically hunted us around this neighborhood) until finally they said, "No no no no you have to do it like this," opened the door and burst into the house. It was empty. Their big brother finally came and found them. I have been laughing for days. Hopefully the mission president will sign off on their idea and next transfer we will just walk into people's houses and proclaim the Word.

Oh one thing disturbed me a bit. I notice I look for ways to improve. Not just a little, constantly. I focus on what needs fixing to the exclusion of all else. I must have done it at home with the people I love so dearly so many times without even realizing it. I am so sorry. What a perfect way to become completely MISERABLE! Instead rejoice! Rejoice in the knowledge that all things are perfect in Christ! Not that they can one day be perfect but that they ARE perfect, as long as they are His. So many would see a simple rod filled with holes and criticize, or at best seek to plug those imperfections; those things that they think need fixing. But in the hand the Master, such imperfect tools are instruments, and the music He makes with them would be lost if the echo of our own criticism is all we have ears to hear. Rejoice in your holes! Christ returned resurrected, that is, with a perfect body, and yet His disciples could touch the marks of the nails in his hands and feet, and the hole of the spear in His side. Sometimes our holes are what make us perfect.

I thought this week that we have two ears; what goes in one can come out the other just as easily. But we have only one heart; what enters in will never escape. Something new entered my heart this week: Sometimes I feel empty. I feel like I have this great big soul, the size of a great desert or a range of mountains or an open sky. HUGE! But a tiny little campfire of warmth and faith is all that flickers! I find myself huddled around this flame, buffeted by winds and rains and confused. I have a testimony! I have the fire of faith! Why is it not more! Why is it that even though I KNOW, sometimes I do not feel?? Why are there times when I feel so, so empty? Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?

There are just so many answers, but this one was new to me: We grow. We GROW! How wonderful is that??? We get bigger!!!!!!! Heavenly Father allows our souls, our capacities, our minds and our hearts, our essence and our being to enlarge and expand over and over again! ALWAYS! Without pause we grow and grow and grow. Testimonies and faith that filled prior vessels to bursting require greater capacity; more space to burn as ever-brighter beacons. Often it takes some time for our faith to grow to fill the larger space the Lord has provided for it. And so, in times of "trials", which is our other word for "growth", it can often seem that we are empty inside. That suddenly we are not enough. This is not true. It is just a growing pain. Your faith has not shrunk, your vessel has grown! Soon it will be filled with light and you will grow again. pleasantly or unpleasantly, sooner or later. But it is a beautiful thing, a joyous thing. It is something to be proud of. If you feel empty, if you feel only a tiny campfire of flickering flame in a vast expanse of self, rejoice. The Lord has seen it necessary to provide the room, for He has seen an inferno of pure testimony exploding from your not-so-distant future.

I love you. I love being a missionary. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Southern food is delicious.

~Elder Jorgensen

Letters Home

To Kent:

Dad,

Adventures in Texas! You are quite the world traveler!! It is incredible to think of the Gaughans leaving on a mission. Life just rolls right along! That night having the family altogether sounds wonderful! I am so glad everyone is doing so well. The Sunday musical night is a brilliant idea!!! Wow what an inspired way to connect with people. It is impossible to not have the spirit in such a situation, and I'm sure Jerry and Larry and all future attendees have real appreciation for the light in our family and home. That light is such a blessing and a beacon. 

Faith is an incredible thing. I loved your identification of the oft-used scriptural comparison to sight. I expressed a similar thought to an investigator this week. They had complained of the concept of "blind faith". I looked them in the eyes and said that faith is the only power of sight by which we may perceive anything of worth. It is faith that allows us to see anything at all beyond our own callouses. No physical sense can compare. And should that physical type be lost, as it was to that author of Amazing Grace, still we could say that, with the inception of a testimony, "Was blind, but now I see." 

It is finally warm today! What a blessing. And I have secured the right to wear my "magic coat" whenever I desire, so the cold is SIGNIFICANTLY less of an issue. Basically I am just warm and toasty all the time. Shrinking time down is absolutely essential. I have thought often ("constantly" might be more accurate) of one of your letters to me which contained an excerpt from the Other Side of Heaven book. It said that in a storm, we can either use our energy to SEE the shore, or to MOVE TOWARDS it! Hehehehee, I am not up for a week or a month at a time yet. I see things in days. One day. My prayer constantly is to be able to live joyfully in the moment. It is accompanied by a plea for the faith to accept wholly the Atonement of Jesus Christ for my Past, and the hope to submit completely my future to the will of the Father. But the centerpiece is that the Holy Ghost reside in my heart to find joy in the present. A joy which can come only of love of God. It is a prayer of Faith, Hope, and Charity, of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and only such a prayer is sufficient for my needs. But all is well, for one day it will be. The promise of 2nd Nephi 24:3 has become something of a rallying cry, and I am embracing today. Today: the only day of worth. The only day anything has ever happened! The only day we have! The only day anyone ever heard the gospel, changed, progressed, or grew. Every adventure in the history of mankind has happened on one blessed day. Today. Today is the day of the Atonement, of Charity, of Love. Today is the day of the Lord. 

Thank you for your letters. I cannot believe Courtney is already being baptized. Thank you so much for such a wonderful family, and for your letter. I love you

To Mom:

Goodness were YOU in trouble an hour ago when I logged on and there was no letter from my mama!

I am now staying warm enough. I won the quite epic battle of the coats, and now wear my magic coat every time we set foot outside the apartment. It is glorious. It's so funny that Sister Castillo was at our (I originally typed "your". I must be becoming a good missionary) house yesterday because I had dinner with her family last night!!!!! I ate all their fruit. It was magnificent.

****

Good for you for getting the cards out! It is absolutely never too late! Thank you so much for managing my blog.

I worried about my letters last week. I am afraid they painted a skewed picture. For the record, we are actually having quite a bit of success, and I am receiving an awful lot of praise from the other missionaries and the members. A LOT. I have a reputation throughout the zone, and the mission president and his wife have pulled me aside more than once. It is nice that they are kind. I try to accept their kindness without allowing it to create pressure in my mind. I am an instrument for much good mother, you did an excellent job on me. My weakness are myriad, and the pain they cause can become intense, but my faith is sure. Surely sure.

Kathryn: How is the gratitude journal??? Are you making a chain? I love you so much sweetheart. Are you having lots of fun? Playing games or sports or partying? Are you still listening to the Frozen songs non-stop?

Cassidy it was your BIRTHDAY THIS WEEK! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Can I share a story from your real birthday with you? I remember it so clearly. As you know, I grew up kind of lonely. I didn't have a lot of people to play with. I always wanted a little sibling. And then you were born. Cassidy when you were a baby you reached out and your grabbed one of my fingers with your tiny hand, and right at that moment I knew I would never be alone again. You helped me to feel how much Heavenly Father loves me. I hope I help you feel how much He loves YOU! Are you reading the Book of Mormon?? Did you read the talk by Elder Christofferson? When are you going to the temple? Thank you so much for being born.

Use my laptop! Use my stuff! Turn my room into something awesome! I am eating healthy. It is much too expensive. This week I ate 15 pounds of carrots! Yum.

Hey don't forget about me. But have way too much fun without me.

~Elder Jorgensen

WEEK 23: A Midwinter Night's Dream

GAINESVILLE, FL
COMPANION/2nd TRAINER:  ELDER TUFT

If, as Elder Holland once heard, "the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’texpect it and often feel they don’t deserve it", then surely His relationship with me, who am so constantly in need of that mercy and so woefully inadequate even to receive it in the method which it deserves, is of the brightest parts of His days. That is a nice feeling.

My mission is a dream come true. I have come "boldly to the throne of grace", and have found mercy there. These mercies have manifested in a myriad of ways. One in particular came a few nights ago in the COLD. Wow it was cold. On the upside, it got the soundtrack from "Frozen" playing in my head. On the downside, my brain froze shortly thereafter. It actually was so cold I opened my mouth to speak, found that my jaw was entirely numb, and couldn't get the words out intelligably! Hehehee, goodness. So we were knocking doors, and it was brisk. We walked from light to light, ignoring the doors in between. But then suddenly my companion, in an unprecedented move, backpedaled and knocked on an unlit door. By way of explanation he said, "I don't know. I just feel good about it." The door opened, it was a member's home, and we were able to go in and share a lesson with them while we unthawed.

A little mercy, but a tender mercy. I think they are all that way.

Random thought: We have a tag on the back of our car. As we drive up to our front gate, a scanner reads the tag, and the gate opens (yes we live in a gated community. It's basically the Upper-East Side over here). So every day we get to drive straight at this very solid gate and it just magically opens up without any effort of ours. I feel very much like Harry Potter rushing at platform 9 3/4. But I also feel like a missionary. Rushing forward towards closed gates and closed hearts and long, long years ahead. But I carry a tag on my chest, and my Lord reads it, and opens my way. No real effort of mine opens the gate. My only effort is in showing up, every day. And that's a lot sometimes.

Oh one more fun story. This week my companion was too sick to work. Well okay this story does not sound fun but it is I promise. So he's pretty much dying and I get to study!!! I get to study and study and study for DAYS. Wow. Studying is pretty much my dream right? Sitting in a climate controlled mansion reading whatever I want to, eating whenever I want to, in the solitude I crave as my companion fights his dire illness (he looked like death, poor Elder), slowly a distress grew inside of me. I could not for the LIFE of me put my finger on it. Everything I love and longed for was being afforded to me!! What was I upset about? What was I craving?? Finally that night we took a walk to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. On the way I contacted some people and shared the gospel and I was FILLED! It was such a RUSH!!

So I have come to a conclusion: I have a missionary addiction, and it is BAD. I need my fix  every single day, and if I don't I go through MAJOR withdrawls. No substitute will do, no cheap generic will suffice. I am a missionary addict, and I pray I will always be.

I had a thought recently that may be odd. With so many oddities bouncing around it is hard to know where exactly they fall on a spectrum. But the thought was this: that Jesus loves us, and the adversary hates us. Often we impersonalize (which spell-check insists is not a word, but which I am going to move forward with anyway) these two beings, but I believe that this is a mistake. We are developing relationships with them, we are often choosing between them. One loves us so deeply He has devoted, and once even staked, His eternal progression to us. One hates us so deeply, so completely, he has devoted, and once even lost, his eternal progression to destroying us. An understanding of the personal nature of this hatred that the adversary has for me has often been useful. It helps me to understand why I feel what I feel when I allow him to creep into my heart and thoughts, sowing seeds of discouragement and pride and irritability and fear. He hates me, it's that simple. But my savior loves me. Oh how he loves me. So completely, so wonderfully, so deeply. With the choice presented to me in this way, it is easier to choose to whom I wish to dedicate my time, my relationship, and my efforts, and perhaps it will help you.

So this is me this week. Another bite from the bread of life. I love you all very much. I need your prayers quite desperately. Please send them my way. We are finding, we are teaching, soon we will be baptizing. I wish the same for missionaries everywhere, and much the same for you.

~Elder Jorgensen

Letters Home

To Kent:

Hi Dad!

Thank you! I am glad my room is nice and empty of my things. Your mention on Elder Holland's comments mirrors my thoughts exactly. I certainly feel stretched. It is a bit concerning actually. This week was kind of hard. Well it was really hard. Well it was the hardest of my 17 weeks as a missionary so far. Well it may have been one of the hardest of my life so far. Well it was probably the hardest. There is more to deal with, physically and emotionally, than ever before, and I am not coping well. Failure seemed imminent, indeed immediate, and inevitable.

This week, right in the middle, I was in the mission home in Jacksonville. We were there for an iPad training, and I was just loitoring in the kitchen, a little "black in the eyes" as my companion said later. I was aimlessly glancing around the filled room, when something on the counter caught my attention. No reason it should have, just a piece of paper in a house filled with paper. But I walked over, leaned forward, and began reading it.

It was your letter to the mission president, dated January 9th. It expressed a love, a respect, a kindness, and a tenderness that is still warming my heart as intensely today as it was in that moment.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Keep praying for me please. And thank you. Thank you for writing those things, thank you for thinking and feeling those things. I love you.

A parting thought. I am re-reading my journal, looking for strength. I am very worried about the future, and this line jumped out at me from an entry in October. "When your dream is your peace, your soul doth increase, and with sure release, all sorrow must cease."

My dream is to be with you and mom and the girls, forever. It brings me peace. Thank you for showing me how to be a teacher, a leader, a father, a husband, and a friend. I love you.

***** 

You know there IS a bit more routine now. Not as much as I would like, my companion is not a methodical person, but I am settling in much more quickly than I thought I would, although not nearly as fast as I would like. I LOVE my Take 2 tiles!!!!! They are so much fun.

Christ healing the blind are my favorite miracles in the New Testament. It seems that they are done with much more variety and tenderness than the others, and they just call out to me. Thank you for sharing, I always so enjoy your thoughts. They bring a peace to me.

To Courtney (age 8):

I am glad you liked the letters! I like YOUR letters!!!!!!!!!! This one made me so happy I didn't stop smiling for hours. (: Heheheee I miss you too darling. If I wrote down how much, it would take your whole lifetime to read it!

Oh my goodness I never sang you a birthday song!!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you

Happy BIRTHDAY dear Courtney

Happy Birthday to you

Yayyyyyyyyy! I am glad you got strawberry shortcake. I am trying to eat really healthy so cake sounds AMAZING right now. Do you like the strawberries or the cake or the whipped cream best? It sounds like you got some super cool presents and that you're having buckets of fun with my longboard!!!!! I am happy it is getting played with! Deep ditch riding sounds incredible you will HAVE to teach me. Thank you so much for making that baptism book! I cannot wait to read it. I'll probably read it a hundred times.

I am giving out lots of things! Books and pamphlets and pass-along-cards and mostly my testimony. Prayer TOTALLY works! Sometimes I will pray to feel full when I'm hungry, or awake when I'm tired, or strong when I'm weak, or happy when I'm sad, and then it will just happen! Just like that! It's amazing what Heavenly Father does!! He always answers prayers EVERY TIME NO MATTER WHAT! That's pretty cool. And no I haven't seen Ephraim's Rescue but I love that story!!! I saw 17 Miracles though, have you seen that one yet?

Wow Pizza and the beach and sunset and 80 degrees you are making me jealous!!!! I will work hard so we can go to the beach together LOTS of times. I love you Courtney. So much!

WEEK 22: The Spirit Is Willing!

GAINESVILLE, FL
COMPANION/2ndTRAINER:  ELDER TUFT

Hello everyone. I am in GAINESVILLE FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's in the southern part of the mission. I am serving in the Gainesville 3rd ward, and my address is: "Elder Jorgensen, 2625 SW 75th Street #1036, Gainesville, FL 32608." So feel free to Google Earth me or send me a letter or love or something. Or just pray. I like the praying.

Our mission has almost 300 missionaries. Wow. So there are three companionships in this ward alone. I am in a car-share to we bike half the time. The people are INSANELY friendly. WOW. Even when they're mean they are nice. They also ALL believe in God. Everyone everywhere. The University of Florida is in Gainesville, so the ward is populated almost exclusively by medical residents from out west and we give a ton of YSA referrals. And my apartment...

This deserves it's own paragraph. The people of the Great and Spacious Building are jealous of my apartment. It is palatial. There is a weight set in the apartment (in addition to the gym that we have as part of the complex that we get to use every morning). Two couches, a kitchen, an eating room, a laundry room (with washer and dryer) a den that we study in, a walk-in closet off of our bedroom, a gorgeous bathroom with tile, and a sitting room where the weights are. The entire kitchen was stocked with food when we got there by the previous missionaries (my companion and I "white-washed" in, which means we are both new in the area) and the entire place smells delightful. Plus there is air-condiitiong and heating so we are comfy and cozy. Not that we have needed it, the weather has been absolutely perfect since the moment I got off the plane.

My companion is named Elder Tuft. Here is the history of his misison service: First 12 weeks, he was trained. Next 12 weeks, he served as a trainer and a district leader. For the next 12 weeks he was a Zone Leader. Then for the next 10 1/2 MONTHS he was an asisstant to the president (AP). Now, at 18 months in the mission, he is my trainer and the district leader for our district (which has 6 companionships). He knows everything, casually calls the mission president, knows everyone, and is something of the rockstar of our mission. He is a bulldog, willing to sacrifice ANYTHING to get the job done. Sometimes he gets impatient while we are knocking on doors and we just sprint from house to house. It is exciting. He is deeply committed to the mission and has imbued me with a sense of urgency in the work. Also, he is a facebook missionary, which is a fun tool we get to use. ALSO, we go up to Jacksonville on thursday to get trained to use I-PADS! Elder Tuft has been chosen to be in the first group to receive one so we will be trained and then train the other missionaries. He is anxious for me to learn what he knows, and I have taken an exceedingly active role in helping with his various responsibilities. He is 23, and a blessing to me that I could never have expected. Wow.

I want to take a second and say how deeply thankful I am for the Book of Mormon. I took Javier's advice and studied Elder Bednar's talk entitled "Character of Christ" exhaustively in the MTC. I have since begun searching the scriptures for answers to my questions and problems, and seen astounding results. Uneblievable results. Any question, any problem, can be resolved with a prayerful consideration of those sacred pages. Chapters I have read literally dozens, perhaps dozens of dozens, of times leap out and propel me forward in a search for peace and truth that is changing my life after mere days. It is a continuation of the miracle that propelled me onto my mission. I had to do a lot of things to get here. Diet, exercise, the support of my family, extensive medical attention, all were fantastic tools and I am grateful (for some more than others. Broccoli is nasty.). But the thing that saved my life and brought me here is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The saving power of my Redeemer healed my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul. I know, because I was there. I know He can do it for you, and for the people of Florida, because he has done it for me. I can testify with my whole soul because my whole soul exists because of my testimony. My savior, "whose wonderous power, hath lifted me up. And filled with sweet, my bitter cup. What tongue of gratitude can tell, oh gracious God of Israel."

That He fills you with sweet is my prayer, and testimony.

~Elder Jorgensen

Letters Home

To Mom:  THE FLESH IS WEAK

YOU DIDN'T WRITE ME!

Unacceptable.

I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss just listening to you! Send me long letters that require no response but that I can just read! Let me hear your voice and the voice of our family just so I can feel like home.

Sigh.

Did I mention I acted as voice in four blessings in the MTC? I may have. I'm still going crazy about it so I'll talk some more. It was THE MOST incredible feeling. Only doing the prayer in the temple compares in my whole life. WOW Mama. Wow. To reach out for words and find them, floating through some ethereal firmament of the mind to my lips, was life-changing. And ridiculously humbling.

I had an experience I would like to share. We spent some time tracting in the college housing so we could give referrals to the YSA. My companion loves knocking doors more than anything else so we do it a lot. He is incredibly devoted, although I worry his devotion will be the death of me. He finds sleep and meals and planning and occassionally studies to be annoying burden, and my sleep, quantity and time of food (dinner has repeatedly been at 3 in the afternoon so we don't miss any "prime proselyting time") the open honesty of companionship inventory, studies, and the daily structure that I rely upon have been hard to come by. I am concerned but working hard and not dead yet! He reminds me very very much of Tuckert. Anyway, he is just a lot stronger than I am right now, which provides a wonderful opportunity for the Lord to bless me with drastically and rapidly increased strength.

Anyway, we were meeting a lot of young, bright college students. You could see the light pouring out of their eyes, it was amazing. So many people willing to hear our message (one young man even accepted an invitation to be baptized that I felt prompted to extend right there in the doorway!), it was exhilirating. It was DUMPING rain so I was soaked but all smiles. Later that same night, we met one of our investigators. Same age, same city only a couple miles away. His was the most depressing setting of my mission thus-far. It was soul-sucking. You can literally smell the cigarette smoke and alcohol from the street in front of his door. He has been homeless much of his life, his girlfriend is leeching him for everything he is worse, and as we attempted to teach him there, squatting in the empty den of a lifetime of crushing hardship and despair, even my deperate prayers could not bring the spirit into my heart.

As we left his home, my heart began to weep. How could that be? What was the difference? What made one group so full, and one so desperately empty. It was more than location and circumstance. The emptiness hollowed out the very marrow of my soul.

One progressed, and one did not.

Mother, I must progress. For the first time in 5 years, my goal is not finite. It does not hinge upon a single event. I do not want to accomplish, I want to progress. I want to grow a little every day. Not faster than I am able, but every day. In my letters from Carlsbad, I often mentioned the desperate desire to collapse into nothingness when I returned. Music, games, naps, any escape, proud of what I had accomplished. I realize that this escape comes from a fear of the pain I experience, and the fear that if I do not escape, I will become enslaved to that fear, pain, and the terrible self-destruction which it has and would continue to wreak upon my life. But that experience harrowed me. It presented me with evidence that demanded a decision. I could choose to believe that the gospel could help me, and help him, and could bring light every day, or that it would not. It does. It does and I want to grow. I want to listen to music and nap, while I grow. I want to move forward my whole life. The Lord blessed me with that. It was perhaps one of the worst evenings of my entire life, but within hours prayer guided me to realize and receive the glorious blessing it held.

Anyway, that all sounds very preachy. Maybe the south is getting to me. Actually, I know it is. I immediately adopted the accent and the vernacular. You would laugh and laugh and laugh.

The investigators we inherited from the other set of Elders are mostly drug-addicts and mental patients so we are dropping them pretty quickly. But on our first night here we were knocking doors (so much knocking...) and found a woman named Brittney. She said she wants to go to church, wants to be baptized, and will have us by this week to teach her. WHOA. Miracles. We invite people to be baptized pretty regularly. 2 a day is the zone commitment. There is a LOT of emphasis on baptizing here. A lot. A. Lot.

Cassidy: I LOVE YOU. I miss you darling. Lets read a million books together. Lets have a million adventures. Will you do something for me? I want you to read the Book of Mormon all on your own all the way through while I am gone. And I want you to pray about it sincerely (which means you believe you will get an answer to your prayer) and with real intent (which means you will DO something about that answer. You will act on it) and then write down your experience (just one paragraph would be enough) on the back blank pages of the Book of Mormon that you read. Will you please do that for me? Is there anything that I can do for you? I love you so much.

Kathryn: I LOVE YOU. Katie I miss you so MUCH! How are you doing? Are you PLEAE having too much fun without me?? I can't wait to hear you laugh and play games with you again. Will you do something for me while I am gone? Will you make a gratitude journal? I will be gone for about 734 days. That's not so many. I was thinking you could do something like make a paper chain with 734 rings, and every day cut one off, write two things you were grateful for that day, and glue it into a book. Or maybe Just write them in a book and illustrate it with pictures you draw! However you want to do it is best, you are so creative and wonderful. Will you do that for me? Is there anything I can do for you? I love you Katie.

Courtney: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Courtney you are EIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so so so so SO happy for you, and so happy you are my sister. Your birthday was one of the hardest days yet because of how much I wanted to be there with you and celebrate and hold you and show I love you. But I'm showing I love you by doing this mission, because I know Heavenly Father will bless you more than I could if I was home. But will you do something for me while I am away? You are going to be baptized in just a few weeks. Will you make a book of your baptism? Write down everything you think and feel that day. Take SO many pictures. Every little detail, every little smile, please put it in that book. Missing Christmas and Birthdays and things will be hard, but nothing is as important as being baptized, and nothing will be harder for me to miss than that. Please help me be able to by making that book. Will you do that for me? Is there anything I can do for you? I am so proud you decided to get baptized. I love you so much my love.

For Dad and Mom: I was laying in bed thinking of you and I just burst into tears. Happy tears. Sweet tears. The sweetest. I worked through missing San Diego and the things I did there. I have resolved or am resolving most of my lusts for fudge and video games and novels and television and the beach. They are fantastic things and I hope that they will garnish my life, but the crippling effect giving them up has had is rapidly fading. But as they decrease, my knowledge of the enormity of the sacrifice that it is to be away from you for two years is increasing. A good sacrifice, one that will permanently strengthen our relationship for eternity, and help me to appreciate you. After just a couple of weeks here, I want to testify of how much I love you, and how much you saved my life. I simply would not exist without you. It would not be possible. When everything was undone, even had physical life endured (which it almost certainly would not), I would have been permanently damaged in every meaninful way. Progress, growth, and the expansion that MUST come with light would have been forever beyond my grasp had you not been there to catch me. The financial and physical resources sustained my body when I could not, and have allowed me to grow into a healthy (aside from a minor cold that is currently serving as an unwelcome annoyance) and strong man. The spiritual, intellectual, and emotional nourishment, of swims and watched football games and long talks in the car, of prayers and blessings and temple trips and submission of my name in the prayer roll, of counseling and care and patience and endurance, saved my soul. You were and are agents of the Savior. So imperfect, and so ABSOLUTELY perfect for me. No one else could have done it, and I would have rotted in the same manner I see others suffering in. An eternal decomposition turned to an unending salvation. That is what you have allowed to happen, that is what the savior has done through you. Your unending smiles and calm faces, your hugs, your support, your testimonies, your thoughts and prayers. Whatever else you do, wherever else you go, you and the Savior redeemed a soul. You have and will do so many other incredible things, but on days when you feel empty or purposeless or unfulfilled, know that somewhere I am crying out to God thanking him for you. Everything I ever do from here through eternity, everything I ever learn or anyone I ever help or make happy, you were partners with the savior in accomplishing. It was all the three of you, and I, even in all my gift of eloquence and expression, flounder and stutter in this woefully inadequate attempt to express my forever deepening and endless gratitude. I love you.

Funny story, I found out my release date is 12/22/2015. My birthday. I was born on a sunday on the 22nd in Provo. I turned 22 on a sunday on the 22nd in Provo. I will be released (they apparently do not grant 6 month extensions in this mission and haven't in years) after 2 years, on the 22nd. It's a long way off, but I thought that whole thing was poetic.

That's all I really have to say. It seems like so long but I know it will go by fast. Please pray for me. Please include me in your fasts. My flesh is weak. I have deeply trying, troubling, and disturbing times. I struggle much much more than I expected. But I love my Father so much, I am growing so much, I am changing in the ways I begged to, I feel the spirit constantly, I am having questions I was too afraid to frame answered in glorious revelations. I have been a missionary again for less than a month, been HERE barely 6 days, and already it is making my simple body and spirit into a true temple of the Lord. I hope that work is completed. I hope it never stops. I hope a true hope. A hope that is trust, a hope that is sure, a hope that eluded me for so long, a hope that is mine forever.

I love you.

~Elder Jorgensen

Arrived Safely in Jacksonville

JACKSONVILLE, FL

We got in. It's cold. It's wonderful. We are all safe. The flight was uneventful. The President is kind. He is adamant that I remain the entire two years, and I am jubilant. I love you. I will see you sometime after December 18th, 2015, and not a moment before. I love my savior. I'm excited for my mission. Thank you for all you do and have done. You're always in my heart.

I love you my family.

~Elder Jorgensen

WEEK 20, (MTC WEEK 2): THE GRAPES OF WRATH

MISSIONARY TRAINING CENTER, PROVO, UTAH
COMPANION:  ELDER HURD
ZONE LEADER

Three Stories

1) There are these really amazing grapes in the cafeteria. End of story.

2) The Allegory of the Knuckles

"To invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel through faith in Jesus Christ and his atonement, baptism, receiving the gift of the holy ghost, and enduring to the end."

We're going to move quickly. Did I mention I got to teach a lesson in spanish last week? I may have. I got to teach a bit more. It was awesome. But that's off topic. The allegory of the knuckles.

It is dry here. Bone dry. My knuckles got dry. My companion suggested lotion. I ignored him. The situation worsened. My companion recommended vaseline. I ignored him. The situation deteriorated. The knuckles on both hands opened up. They bled perpetually. I could not clench my fists. Strangers gawked.

It was time for faith. Time to believe things could be different. Time to believe that there was something out there that could help me. Time to believe life didn't have to be this way. But that required repentance. My situation was dire, but no past is too great for the atonement. I did away with past stubbornness and habits, and went humbly before my companion and sought his advice. Next came baptism. I scrubbed the sweat and dirt and filth associated with untreated knuckes, too painful even to have washed for days, and they were left clean. Raw, but clean. And then the gift of the Neosporin(sp?) came. And let me tell you, baptism by fire was never a more appropriate phrase. It BURNED. And then, two days later, my hands were healed. Some dryness, some scabs, but I can pick stuff up again. No I have not been doing well in enduring to the end, and they have begun to bleed once more, but I know if I continue in the path that has been set for me, if I but endure, I can be as whole as ever I was.

A light-hearted analogy, but a true story and it fits will with the missionary purpose. 

3) A commentary on the atonement that is a bit more serious before I close. It has been mentioned that the atonement is personal. I took some time this week to consider the possibilities of what that could mean. I'm not saying this is what happened, but I am saying it has helped me to better understand my relationship with my savior and just what he did for me, the value of it, and how much he wants me to partake of it no matter what. It has helped me and it may help others, so I will share the thought.

Christ has experienced the pain of all our sins. That's the redeeming power. He can help us achieve all good things, that is the enabling power. Logically it seems he may have acheived all good things as well as suffered for all bad things. Achievement can be as hard as the burden of sin sometimes. We also have agency, so it stands to reason he would have left that agency intact and not just suffered and achieved what we actually WOULD, but what we actually COULD. Our lives our long and the choices are many, so that is a lot. Also, he would have suffered the hypotheticals. If there was no atonement, we would have been separated from God forever. It stands to reason he felt and suffered that as well.

So he did EVERYTHING. He felt EVERYTHING. All that we did and COULD have done, he accomplished. Oh the strain. All that we have and COULD have suffered, he felt. Oh the pain.

Now how long did it take?

The Garden of Gethsemane experience, to Peter, was only a couple of hours perhaps. But time is measured differently to such beings as the Christ. Can you truly experience something if you gloss over it? Can you truly feel an eternity in an instant?

It has been posited that Christ spent a moment thinking about just YOU in that infinite, eternal sacrifice in Gethsemane. To me, it seems possible that he did not spend a moment. He spent an eon. He spent eternities. Somehow, he defied the fabric of space and time and lived your life a BILLION times in a BILLION ways. Perhaps more. Perhaps numbers  I cannot even imagine were involved. The number of variables and choices in a human life seem to make that possible. And that is just human life. All of the afterlives, all of the eternities of separation. Permanent separation. He went through. It took him eternities.

That is how much he knows you. And me. That is how much it cost. That is how much he loves me. And you. That is how valuable the Atonement is. After all that, do you think he cares about our past? Do you think he is going to cast that all away because we committed a sin? Because of a moment, or a period, or even DECADES of weakness? WHAT IS THAT? What is that to the being who has known us for eternities? What is that to Him? He did all that for me. For you. All he asks is that we reach out, grab it, and be happy.

Maybe it was nothing like that. Almost definitely it was nothing like that. But I think it helps me. And I love Him more for it. I love Him so much. I'll talk to you from Jacksonville.

~Elder Jorgensen