COMPANION/TRAINER: ELDER TUFT
I am nearing the end of Jesus the Christ, and these words caught my attention. The translation is, "My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" We use something called, "The Questionnaire" when we tract. We actually had a tracting competition this week, so we used it a LOT. We ask if people will take a moment to answer three questions about God. Then we ask inspired questions. Often, they are insipired-ish. One of my favorites is "If you could ask God one question, what would it be?"
My God has not forsaken me. And yet He has. He must. I am away, here on earth, far from Him. My sins keep me separated, my eventual death keeps me away. These are overcome in great and small ways by my savior Jesus Christ. However, my question, if I had one, remains the same as that of the Christ on the cross. Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? It encompasses so much. What is my purpose? What am I doing that pushes Thee away? How can I cease these things? Where art Thou? How may I see Thee more clearly? What am I to learn in this moment? How am I to grow to be closer to Thy light? And most important of all, it expresses to Him what is most important to me. MY God. MY God. He is MINE. Whether I am forsaken or not, wherever I am, whatever I have done, whether they be wonderful works or shameful sins, He is my God, and that means more to me than I could have imagined it would.
Often I end with a testimony but I simply cannot wait. He is my God. I have a testimony of that grand Father, Eloi, whom I love so desperately. That He is real is my conviction and witness. That He loves us, works for us, and awaits us is my light and my life. That His Only Begotten is Jesus of Nazareth, the Messiah and Christ, Addoni, Immanuel, Wonderful, Counselor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father of my soul through the Atonement, the Prince of Peace, is my testimony. That testimony is unalterable and sure. That testimony would stand even though the Heavens and the Earth should pass away. Even then would I, standing upon the crumbling peak of a dying cosmos, be incapable of denying that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God. I know of these things for myself, for the Holy Spirit of God has made it manifest to me. It has borne unto and into my soul these things, and so mere sight and sense need not suffice.
Often we feel alone. Often we go into the world and stand stalwart, rooted, but alone. We begin to feel in the minority, we begin to feel the pressure of the billions who do not believe or behave as we do. But there is no possessor of a testimony of Jesus Christ who will EVER stand alone. Not while I live. Not while my God lends me breath.
It was a fun week. My companion and I are really getting to know each other. He claims I have my own distinct scent. Hehehe we were talking once and he said, "Elder, you're going to find someone one day, and she is going to be..." there was a pause. A LONG pause, while he looked thoughtfully at me. Then he finished, "... unique." I'd say that's pretty fair.
The days are fun. We get to knock a lot of doors and meet some amazing people! One day we had NINE appointments scheduled with people we found tracting, plus two back ups and some Less-Active members to visit! They all fell through. All. So we got to knock more doors and we found even MORE PEOPLE! It is work. GOOD work. Work that leaves you feeling manly afterwards. Boo yah. And it can be a lot of fun. It's important to have fun while you do things. Things are all you're ever going to do, so you'd better learn to enjoy them. One day in particular, two tiny black girls saw us across the street, ran up to us, and insisted they come tracting with us. We knocked several doors with them chasing after us (we can't be alone with or really talk to children, so the entire situation was ridiculous. They basically hunted us around this neighborhood) until finally they said, "No no no no you have to do it like this," opened the door and burst into the house. It was empty. Their big brother finally came and found them. I have been laughing for days. Hopefully the mission president will sign off on their idea and next transfer we will just walk into people's houses and proclaim the Word.
Oh one thing disturbed me a bit. I notice I look for ways to improve. Not just a little, constantly. I focus on what needs fixing to the exclusion of all else. I must have done it at home with the people I love so dearly so many times without even realizing it. I am so sorry. What a perfect way to become completely MISERABLE! Instead rejoice! Rejoice in the knowledge that all things are perfect in Christ! Not that they can one day be perfect but that they ARE perfect, as long as they are His. So many would see a simple rod filled with holes and criticize, or at best seek to plug those imperfections; those things that they think need fixing. But in the hand the Master, such imperfect tools are instruments, and the music He makes with them would be lost if the echo of our own criticism is all we have ears to hear. Rejoice in your holes! Christ returned resurrected, that is, with a perfect body, and yet His disciples could touch the marks of the nails in his hands and feet, and the hole of the spear in His side. Sometimes our holes are what make us perfect.
I thought this week that we have two ears; what goes in one can come out the other just as easily. But we have only one heart; what enters in will never escape. Something new entered my heart this week: Sometimes I feel empty. I feel like I have this great big soul, the size of a great desert or a range of mountains or an open sky. HUGE! But a tiny little campfire of warmth and faith is all that flickers! I find myself huddled around this flame, buffeted by winds and rains and confused. I have a testimony! I have the fire of faith! Why is it not more! Why is it that even though I KNOW, sometimes I do not feel?? Why are there times when I feel so, so empty? Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?
There are just so many answers, but this one was new to me: We grow. We GROW! How wonderful is that??? We get bigger!!!!!!! Heavenly Father allows our souls, our capacities, our minds and our hearts, our essence and our being to enlarge and expand over and over again! ALWAYS! Without pause we grow and grow and grow. Testimonies and faith that filled prior vessels to bursting require greater capacity; more space to burn as ever-brighter beacons. Often it takes some time for our faith to grow to fill the larger space the Lord has provided for it. And so, in times of "trials", which is our other word for "growth", it can often seem that we are empty inside. That suddenly we are not enough. This is not true. It is just a growing pain. Your faith has not shrunk, your vessel has grown! Soon it will be filled with light and you will grow again. pleasantly or unpleasantly, sooner or later. But it is a beautiful thing, a joyous thing. It is something to be proud of. If you feel empty, if you feel only a tiny campfire of flickering flame in a vast expanse of self, rejoice. The Lord has seen it necessary to provide the room, for He has seen an inferno of pure testimony exploding from your not-so-distant future.
I love you. I love being a missionary. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Southern food is delicious.
~Elder Jorgensen
Letters Home
To Kent:
Dad,
Adventures in Texas! You are quite the world traveler!! It is incredible to think of the Gaughans leaving on a mission. Life just rolls right along! That night having the family altogether sounds wonderful! I am so glad everyone is doing so well. The Sunday musical night is a brilliant idea!!! Wow what an inspired way to connect with people. It is impossible to not have the spirit in such a situation, and I'm sure Jerry and Larry and all future attendees have real appreciation for the light in our family and home. That light is such a blessing and a beacon.
Faith is an incredible thing. I loved your identification of the oft-used scriptural comparison to sight. I expressed a similar thought to an investigator this week. They had complained of the concept of "blind faith". I looked them in the eyes and said that faith is the only power of sight by which we may perceive anything of worth. It is faith that allows us to see anything at all beyond our own callouses. No physical sense can compare. And should that physical type be lost, as it was to that author of Amazing Grace, still we could say that, with the inception of a testimony, "Was blind, but now I see."
It is finally warm today! What a blessing. And I have secured the right to wear my "magic coat" whenever I desire, so the cold is SIGNIFICANTLY less of an issue. Basically I am just warm and toasty all the time. Shrinking time down is absolutely essential. I have thought often ("constantly" might be more accurate) of one of your letters to me which contained an excerpt from the Other Side of Heaven book. It said that in a storm, we can either use our energy to SEE the shore, or to MOVE TOWARDS it! Hehehehee, I am not up for a week or a month at a time yet. I see things in days. One day. My prayer constantly is to be able to live joyfully in the moment. It is accompanied by a plea for the faith to accept wholly the Atonement of Jesus Christ for my Past, and the hope to submit completely my future to the will of the Father. But the centerpiece is that the Holy Ghost reside in my heart to find joy in the present. A joy which can come only of love of God. It is a prayer of Faith, Hope, and Charity, of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and only such a prayer is sufficient for my needs. But all is well, for one day it will be. The promise of 2nd Nephi 24:3 has become something of a rallying cry, and I am embracing today. Today: the only day of worth. The only day anything has ever happened! The only day we have! The only day anyone ever heard the gospel, changed, progressed, or grew. Every adventure in the history of mankind has happened on one blessed day. Today. Today is the day of the Atonement, of Charity, of Love. Today is the day of the Lord.
Thank you for your letters. I cannot believe Courtney is already being baptized. Thank you so much for such a wonderful family, and for your letter. I love you
To Mom:
Goodness were YOU in trouble an hour ago when I logged on and there was no letter from my mama!
****
Cassidy it was your BIRTHDAY THIS WEEK! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Can I share a story from your real birthday with you? I remember it so clearly. As you know, I grew up kind of lonely. I didn't have a lot of people to play with. I always wanted a little sibling. And then you were born. Cassidy when you were a baby you reached out and your grabbed one of my fingers with your tiny hand, and right at that moment I knew I would never be alone again. You helped me to feel how much Heavenly Father loves me. I hope I help you feel how much He loves YOU! Are you reading the Book of Mormon?? Did you read the talk by Elder Christofferson? When are you going to the temple? Thank you so much for being born.